It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving