This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Plumber: I think I found the problem
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
this has to be peak English
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“You’d better run, egg!”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd