me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead