Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.