Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
You Might Also Like
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}