Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.