Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.