Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*