What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Flock of bats
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.