im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?