HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure