Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.