[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Tastes like chicken.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.