FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
my dad has had enough
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I can’t stop watching this.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala