[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.