And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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wtf management?!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
how it started vs how it ended
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
my mom making me talk to relatives
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story