“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Taliband
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.