I think this cat is broken
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day