Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*