*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
never compromise your values
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”