I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You Might Also Like
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
*seductively eats two tums*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Favourite diary entry ever