Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
next question.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”