I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire