If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
happy valentine’s day to me
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
This is me
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.