Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
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[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]