On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
That’s amazing.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
i was baptized in a car wash
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
found this cool rock hiking today