Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Teach your children to beatbox
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio