Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You Might Also Like
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Lol
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.