Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
When you’re here for the treats.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe