Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday