I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song