Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.