The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.