All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.