Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
i actually laughed 😩
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.