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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.