[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
You Might Also Like
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me trying to reach for my goals
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
it’s the silliest best thing
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
work smarter, not harder
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!