Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?