Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
A friend helps you before you need it
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space