The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
You Might Also Like
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
back to work
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*