Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
You Might Also Like
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Florida be like…
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.