All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Holy shit he’s back
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.