they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Why do meteors always land in craters?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Finally!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it