there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table