My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Shortcut
Well, shit
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?