i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Hard not to take this personally
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate