*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.