In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot