Watermelon Boss!
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Has science gone too far?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*puts words between two asterisks*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok