Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
pictures of spider-man
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how